Fuzzy Brain and Dry Eyeballs

My eyeballs are dry and my brain is fuzzy. I agreed to do too much this week.

After a full weekend of work, I jumped into prac on Monday with full force and ready to take on my kids. I love them all so much. They are adorable. There is this one who was almost the last to open up to me. He reminds me of my brother every time I look at him. Well, a little black version of my brother.

Monday night was a blur of paper writing. Tuesday consisted of prac, parent literacy night, and an hour of paper writing before bed. Wednesday was 10 hrs of work, ANOTHER patent night, and then 2 hrs of paper writing before bed (while I was watching Supernatural with Hubs). Today was 4 hrs of work, a shower (becauseI hadn’t showered since Monday), 2 hrs of class, a one hour accreditation meeting for the program (not required, but advised), and IEP meeting for one of my “trouble” kids at prac (also not required, but beneficial), 3 hrs of me staring at a computer screen writing another paper, and night class for 2.5 hrs which begins in 20 mins.

Sleep is going to feel SO good tonight. After prac tomorrow, I’m going to my first clinical therapy session. I’ve never been a patient before. More on that to follow. Then I hope to make a nice dinner for Hubs, write a little more of the paper that I’m not going to finish tonight, and go to bed early so I can start all over with another full weekend of work. Joy.

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The Best Dream

I woke up from the best dream last night. And it didn’t even involve Brad Pitt.

In said dream, I was walking thru the halls of THS and there were all sorts of kids talking to me. I was giving one girl some advice on sexual health when I looked down at my shirt and it said “FREE SEX and relationship advice!”

I woke up around this moment, but I continued to think in my head while laying in bed. Being a sexual health educator is what got me thinking about this program in the first place, so why am I not doing it? While at the Widener Sexuality conference last week, I met a man who started his career by just sitting in the park and talking to people and giving out free advice. I can do that!

My plan is to start a YouTube channel. If this is something I decide to stick with, it will be a test of my patience to just bide time and not expect results right away. I need to do a little more research to determine what is already out there so that I can tailor my plan to what is needed. In the meantime, I can also start putting together some PowerPoint presentations to have on file for clips on my channel.

I don’t know where all this ambition came from, but I like it!

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The (Hopefully) Distant Future

What is the verb for FaceTime? I FaceTimed? Sounds good. Calvin was right:

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I chatted on FaceTime with my parents the other day. Dad has been aging as I would expect. He’s still a handsome man, but obviously in his 50’s. I was struck by how, and this is going to sound awful, *old* my mother looked. I’ve been fighting with these feelings for the last few days.

I haven’t been very close with my mom over the last few years. It’s sad. I know plenty of people who have very close relationships with many people at the same time. Some days I feel like I just can’t handle that much interaction. Facebook must have been made for people like me; able to see everything, but not be overly involved in everything at the exact same time.

I feel like my relationship with my parents has been tentative since I went away to college. To this day I don’t feel that I was fully, mentally prepared for it. It was exciting, don’t get me wrong. I just feel that I had to grow up too fast in a very short amount of time. (Is this what a quarter life crisis feels like?) Hell, the summer before college was probably the nail in that coffin.

Moving on. I want a closer relationship with them. I don’t want to wait until after grad school. God forbid something happen to them before I’m finished. I have a real problem with being proactive lately. I need to work on making my scheduling skills better. If I can plan for it, maybe it won’t feel so scary. Not that I think my parents are scary. Getting down to it, I worry that they don’t approve of what I’m doing here.

Woo!

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Woo! I have a place to live with my husband! I got the call today that we were approved to get the apartment we applied for. I didn’t have too much of a doubt since I know there is nothing in either of our records that would prevent something like that. But, as I’ve been telling Ben for the last week, I don’t want to count my chickens, as it were.

Now, we have to be extra cautious about our living situation. The complex only allows two pets. We have three. We have lied about the cat. I’m fine with it. We discussed giving her to a family member. My parents can’t take her with the feral cat they took in about a year ago. My brother cannot take her, even tho I think he would. Typical post-college kid; he would love her and care for her, but I also think his friends would feed her beer and tuna from a can. Beer from a bottle would be a much classier option. That leaves Ben’s family. MIL and DIL have a dog, and the cat does not care for her. Aunt and Uncle could take her because they already have a cat that gets along well with other cats. It just seems like a lot to ask. I’m going to try to keep her. It’s decided. She’ll just have to deal with the fact that she will be an indoor cat from now on. Sorry, babe.

Moving into an apartment? That will be a whole other story that I can’t wait to see play out. (Slight sarcasm.) Stay tuned. Going from a house to an apartment poses some unique challenges, like where the hell do we keep all of our stuff now?! Ben thinks we need to get a storage locker. I halfheartedly agree with him, I just don’t want to pay the extra money. The apt we are getting is at the top of our budget as it is right now. Let’s see how it all plays out!

Fuck. It’s been a long year.

This has been a crazy year. First year of grad school: done.

Second year starts today which includes a practicum. Work has been ├╝ber gracious and is allowing me to move to part time. It’s only knocking one day a week off of my schedule, but that’s really all that they can afford to do with all of the people leaving. I think I might have been able to do full time if my prac wasn’t 3 days a week when everyone else’s is only 2 days a week. This means that I will not have a day off for the next year. If I don’t have to work, I have prac. If I don’t have prac, I’ll have work. There are vacation days that I can take off, and holidays are excluded from my self-pitying rambling. I have it good. I just can’t see it yet because of the confusion with my classes.

I accidentally chose a morning class this semester. If I don’t get it changed to an evening class today, I have to figure something else out with work. Any more changes to my schedule and i won’t know my ass from my elbow. This is how I feel at the start of every semester tho. Confusion and doubt. Some people come back to classes and make it look so easy. I wonder if they feel the same way I do, just hide it better. Now, I chalk up my feelings to flying back and forth between semesters. Maybe spending the breaks between semesters here will help to ground me in the program a little better.

Last week, we finally got an offer on the house which we promptly accepted. We really didn’t want to wait for another offer, and the buyers seem motivated. It’s the best thing to have Hubs out here with me now. He’s going to be needed in the coming months. The move, tho. Oh God. We have to move everything. Moving a bedroom of stuff (to college) seems like a piece of cake compared to renting a UHaul to move EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE. One day at a time, right?

On the bright side: I am very excited to show Hubs everything that this area has to offer. I’m sure he’ll like it here once he sees how much there is to do.

Church Membership

Today I met with the church pastor of the Lutheran Church that I am choosing tho be a member of. I think it is a good choice for me since I have been thinking of rejoining the church. It’s a hard decision knowing that my grandparents are not churched, my husband doesn’t believe, I’m away from my parents, etc.

One of the most pressing thing that I am struggling with is the dichotomy between the church’s desire to bring all types to the faith, and the lack of acceptance of the gay community. I wanted to be very explicit in our talk today that I have gay friends, I am active in the gay community, my studies in graduate school may be concerning to others in the church. Pastor discussed their position that bringing gays inti the church is just like bringing any other sinner, like alcoholics and adulterers. What I couldn’t bring myself to ask was, what if I don’t believe that being a practicing gay is a sin?

How do I, as a heterosexual who plans to work closely in the gay community and has gay friends, come to terms with the idea that their entire sexual pleasure experience is defined as sinful, when they are just trying to be open and honest with themselves and their sexuality? It’s very exhausting to think about. In my home church, homosexuals were not allowed to be members, but they may have been allowed to practice; I don’t know, we never had an openly gay member. In this new church, they are allowed to be members, but the idea of homosexuality is still considered a sin.

Long story short, too late, I disagree with the Idea that homosexuality is a sin, and it is very tough to come to grips with a church family that doesn’t feel the way I do about something that is so close to my heart.

Ode to 9/11/2001

10 years ago, I was driving in the the Driver’s Ed Focus practicing my parallel parking. When we came back to the school, no one knew what to think or how to react, much less what had actually happened or who caused it. I don’t have many other memories from that day except watching the footage over and over in every class and that the whispers in the halls was deafening. Looking back on it now, I feel like a ghost, experiencing half a life that may or may not be real. There were classmates crying, shaking, going home early, and I remember feeling empty.

What does this mean to me? That day started in me a self reflection process that I will never fully shake. A deeper appreciation for the country in which I live, it’s resilient population and it’s dedicated men and women of the Armed Forces to whom I owe so very much. I/we may not agree that we continued this war for the right reasons, but I have confidence in the people who risk their lives every day to keep those of us here at home safe.

As I sit here writing, I thank my God for giving me all the opportunities that American children seer offered, namely, the opportunity for higher education. Without the sacrifices or our forefathers and foremothers, I would not be here, studying something about which I am so passionate. Would it be a less fulfilling life? No, just different.

To my husband, my father, friends and family: thank you for all that you do and continue to do! Remember…And together we will never forget.

Editors Note: I couldn’t put a picture in today because they were either too saccharinely sweet and overtly optimistic, or gut-wrenchingly horrifying.

Wherein the DMV hates me right back

So today, I think i have it all under control. When is that ever the case?

Last week I went to the DMV and was told that because I didn’t have the title to my car, I couldn’t get my Delaware tags. So I cried. When I called my insurance company, they assured me that they could send me a copy of the release of lien which could be used to get my new Delaware title. I got that a few days later.

When I went back today, I had my paper work; every scrap of paper that they have asked me to get over the last 6 weeks. The woman behind the counter takes one look at the release of lien and says, “I need your title.”

“But, I was told by my insurance company that this would be exactly what you needed.”

“I need the actual title.”

“Do you think you could call them and-”

“No. … I need the title.”

FUCK. So here I am. Square one. Again. And this time, I don’t think I’m going to go back to the DE DMV. They told me it would be about $300 to get the rear plate for my car, which is all that is required in Delaware. Now, for me to renew my WI plates, considering that they are now expired, will only be $85. I think the logical and economical choice is to give a big ‘ol middle finger to Delaware and get my plates renewed in good, cheap, doesn’t-care-about-the-emission-rates, Wisconsin.

Is this legal? I don’t know. I don’t particularly care at this point. I’m just uber pissed at the system. I have tried to do everything right in the time that they have given me.

This is an added piece of stress that I just don’t need right now.