For the last half of this semester I choose to seek therapy for some pervasive and obnoxious thoughts. It’s all good now and she really helped to normalize what I was doing and realize that I have have control over things in my life.
Sometimes I wonder what higher education does to a person. I used to be happy. I say that like I’m totally miserable all the time, but that’s not the case. Promise. I can still find the silver lining in just about any situation, and my prac cohort has really given me some awesome reasons to smile on a regular basis. Not to mention having Hubs here is a thrill all in its own.
My point is: I overthink things. A LOT. If I don’t force myself to be “in the moment” I am frequently outside myself thinking of things in the past that I said or did or what the reaction was of the other person and how I could have done things differently and how that would have caused them to react and then it just goes on and on and on. If its not the past, it’s the future and I think about what my actions would do to those around me and how I would handle it, and what if I did it differently and how the reaction would be then or based off of previous experience how they might or might not say to me and on and on and on. Even as I was writing those sentences my mind was wandering to work and next semester and my childhood and having babies. My brain is busy. All the time. And I can’t figure out a way to turn it off or slow it down.
Some might say that it is a good thing that my mind is always on. It’s good because I can usually come up with an answer at a moments notice. It’s bad, because I can’t hardly stay for used on one thing for long enough to actually see it get done the first time. Luckily, it hasn’t affected my sleep yet. Once that happens, I don’t know what I would do.
Again, back to the main point of all this: I loved therapy. I loved my therapist. She called me “high-functioning” which is like, the HIGHEST compliment you can get in therapy. At the end of our sessions, she wanted me to reflect on what I go out of therapy that can help me in the real world. Because I am the way I am, I tried to give some highbrow, intellectual answer. She was kind when she told me it was complete crap. This program has damaged the way I think as a normal, non-student person.
Once she called me out on it, I stumbled to think of something personal that I landed for myself. We hugged, we parted ways. Of course, again, because I am the way I am, I then started to over think the answer I gave. I was able to better quiet my mind, but I still think about it a little and I’ve come up with this:
1. It’s okay for me to be happy. Ecstatic even. Happiness is not a flaw.
2. It’s okay for me to smile. Other emotions are okay to express, too.
3. It’s okay to be in the moment. I can take time for myself and enjoy life.
4. It’s okay to plan, but not forever. I should focus on the most likely scenario. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.
Isn’t that strange? Something that most children know without hesitation has been so “beaten” out of me during my time at the university that I have to tell myself to enjoy life? But I’m not going to spend any more time on it today. That’s progress.